We All Struggle {REAL Housewives}

That title doesn't sound like Pinteresting or What I'm Loving Wednesday, does it?

Well, that's because I decided I'm skipping this week and will be talking about something a little more deep instead.

A topic that I think everyone should be aware of.

I'm not sure if all of you have heard about Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Russell Armstrong death this past Monday night. He committed suicide in his bedroom at his friends house that he was currently living with. He was married to housewife Taylor {she filed for divorce last month} and they have a daughter together named Kennedy. He also has 2 other teenage sons.

As an avid Real Housewives viewer, I couldn't believe the news. I remember watching them on TV and even in the midst of some marital problems, they still seemed like a happy family who were very blessed. 

I feel like so many of us who watch the Real Housewive series believe that the people behind those cameras live these extravagant lives with no "real" concrete problems, when that couldn't be more far from the truth.

Sources say Russell had filed Chapter 7 bankruptcy back in 2005.
Did we know about that when the show aired? No.
Did we see that they had any sort of money problems during the first season of Real Housewives of BH? No.
All we saw was all the lavish spending they were doing and fun they were having.

The news articles suggest that Russell was depressed about his overwelming financial problems and recent divorce filing by Taylor.

This news is just so sad and serves as a reminder that: not everything you see on TV is real. There are so many things behind the scenes that we do not see.

Everyone struggles in their own way.
...even celebrities...even Real Housewives...
May Russell rest in peace.

When I heard this news, I couldn't help but think of my own fears/insecurities.


 Something you may not know about me is that I am overly frightened by death...losing another person I love. That is my biggest fear of all.

After my Mom passed away, I would find myself being overly sensitive about tragic situations {like Columbine, 9/11, etc.} I would spend hours on the internet reading about the events, stories from the families, and would even clip out newspaper articles about them. I even wrote a letter to one of the victim's families from Columbine.

To this day, whenever I hear about a car accident, death in the family, my heart aches and it stays in my mind for weeks. Because I know far too well what they are going through. I will cry when I hear about parents losing a child, or a child losing their mother - even when I don't know them at all. Not only did my Mom pass away, but I have also lost 2 very great aunts. This is the truth that I live with: I am scared shitless about losing Billy and Rocky {and my Dad, stepmom, and closest friends}. They are my family now and I have nightmares about losing them.

I am always repeating to Billy: "please wear your seatbelt", "please text me when you get there", "please don't drink and drive", "please watch Rocky closely", or "please eat healthier", because I am just so scared to lose someone else close to me. Luckily, he understands this very well and doesn't find it annoying.

To a point, I think this is somewhat normal, but then other times I wonder if I am an extreme "special" case. ;) Either way, this is one of the things I struggle with. But....it makes me who I am and I'm OK with that.


So, that's that. I just wanted to keep it real today.

My thoughts are with Taylor and Russell's family during this difficult time.

Do any of you have similar struggles?

What are your fears?

...and thanks for letting me have a non-upbeat post :)



  1. Oh girlfriend-you have no idea how hard this post hit me today. I recently have been struggling with these same thoughts-It is almost like I am constantly waiting for the ball to drop and something disasterous to happen. I hate it. It is reassuring to know that I am not the only one who is terrified of losing those around me. I love your strength and your honesty. I admire you for talking about your mom-that can be very difficult for a lot of people to do. I love you even more after this post :)

  2. Im fairly new to your blog, but this is such a honest and great post, thank you!

  3. This was a great post! Isn't it crazy to find out the true reality of the reality TV we watch? I feel so sad that he felt that was the only way out.
    I can definitely understand your fears. I cannot say I can relate but I am definitely scared of death and losing someone, too.

  4. Oh my goodness, I had no idea! I honestly got chills when I read that. Like you said, even with the few issues they had they seemed like a good family. That poor little girl.

    I think we all have moments like that, waiting or fearing for the worst. I am the same way with Trey and he has lots several so he understands too.

    Thanks for a real post, to put things in to perspective! :)

  5. I can definitely relate, since losing my dad almost five years ago everything seems more possible - especially since his death was sudden I was floored. I definitely am so scared of losing people in life, especially my husband. Watching my mom after losing my dad was heartbreaking I can't imagine what it's like to lose your partner and other half.

  6. I couldn't believe when I heard the news about Taylor's husband. So sad. I wonder if they will even air the new season of RHW? I know what you mean about crying when you see someone lose a parent/child. I do it all the time ... and am terrified to lose someone else again ... esp my mom. Thanks for the honest post.
    love ya!

  7. Girl, this post made me cry, big ole tears. I can't imagine losing my mother, I lost someone close to me, which I blogged about and the outpouring of love and support from everyone has been overwhelming.

    You are beautiful and we all share those same fears. If I could give you a hug, I would. Much love.


  8. thank you for posting this. suicide is a heartache that hits me way to close to home. no one said life would be easy and for those out there struggling I want them to know there is help out there... all you have to do is want it. mental illness is a disease that is treatable.

    you are worth it!

  9. Wonderful post. I think it's important to keep it real and I don't think you're alone in your fear of death. I have it too! To the point where I do think I may be a little nutso, but it's only because I have such a loving heart. Or that's what I tell myself to feel better! ;)

  10. I worry about that too. I am terrified to lose jared. I also felt like this about the people were killed at the fair. so tragic

  11. We are SO 2 of a kind. I am SUCH a worrier about all of these things ALL the time. It's almost exhausting. I've done the same thing as you ever since my dad passed away. It's like you're constantly walking on egg shells because you're so petrified of something traumatic happening to you again. Sometimes I just have to sit back, breath, and remember that whatever it is that is planned to happen is completely out of my hands and out of my control. It's crazy how powerful your mind can be. Love you girly! xoxo

  12. Wow, what a powerful post Katie. I feel the same way with having lost my brother and step-sister so recently. It's just unreal...every time a family member calls at an odd hour...I get a knot in my stomach. I just can't help it. I am with you...know that a lot of people are there for you. And the news about Russell is just so devastating...I can't even imagine what his family is going through, especially with the public life they were living. Ugh.

  13. I think your "paranoia" about death after losing your mom is completely normal, or at least I like to hope so. I am the exact same way with my mom, sisters and Mike (the boyfriend). Since my dad died in 2004 I have been paranoid about losing someone else close to me. You aren't an extreme case, those of us who have lost parents young just belong to a special "group" where we are allowed to be a bit over protective and paranoid...

  14. You are amazing for keeping it real. It's tough news, but unless you've experienced it firsthand, it can be harder to understand the heartache.
    Thanks for bringing it back to reality and the things that matter in life! Take everyday as a true blessing :)

  15. I heard about this on the radio this morning, but kept missing who it was. Very sad- I know we can't blame reality TV in full for this, but it can't have helped. Such a shame.
    I too have an overwhelming fear of death- I've had to see a counselor twice because I was suffering from daily panic attacks about dying. Three of my grandparents died within a few years of each other when I was little, and the counselors suggested that a lot of my fear stemmed not so much of dying, but living an unfulfilled life. I try to remember that all the time now- life is for living, and living well. Make the most of it, and death isn't QUITE as scary. Still totally freaks me out to think that one day my loved ones won't be here- one day I won't be here. What will it be like, how will it feel, what will really happen? Lots of what if, lots of unknowns and can't possibly know. I know its hard- worrying isn't a bad thing and looking out for your family is definitely not a bad thing- best wishes, friend!

  16. I totally understand what you're writing, I have the same fears. I lost a good friend, her brother, a grandparent, and an uncle all within a VERY short time frame (all unrelated). It hurts you to your core, and fear is sometimes the only healing outlet. Just know you're not alone - and you are living life to the fullest with all the people you love. Happy Wednesday! :)

  17. I know exactly what you're saying! My mom died when I was in 6th grade, and every time I hear someone complain about how they "hate" their parents or family members, I cringe. It's so important to cherish every second you have with family! The drama isn't worth it!

    I feel so bad for this family!

  18. Welp. You got me. First blog cry, ever. While I was reading this post, I heard you speaking. I felt your pain and your fears like they were my own. I have the same fears, and extremely vivid dreams of them. I guess the thing most of us forget, is that people have their own stories. They can pretend and put on a smile and things could be fine (on the outside), but deep down on the inside, they are crumbling and falling apart.

    I liked this today. Thank you.

    Makes us really understand the important things in life, like life itself.

    Love you, Jess

  19. Wow lady, powerful post. I haven't had to deal with any really tough losses, and that fact scares me more than anything. I've had friends lose loved ones and I almost feel like I'm too lucky and something terrible will happen at any minute. I know it's irrational but I am horrified to lose someone I love, I just don't think I could handle it. Thanks for sharing. :)

  20. Great post! I can be the same way. My best friend died of a ATV accident nearly 5 years ago and it's definitely changed me. I'm very scared of losing people that are close to me. I also have people call or text me when they get somewhere and start to get worried if I don't hear from them. I'll even check traffic online to see if there was an accident.


  21. I think for the most part, I handle death well... But, it's never creeped into my "inner-circle". You know? Not since my grandfather and I was so little and my reasoning was so simple back then. I knew he was in heaven with Jesus and that was enough. Now, it doesn't quite seem that simple, there's no clean break.

    I can't even let myself go to a place where my parents aren't around. Literally, I can't fathom it. I know it will happen one day, I just can't wrap my mind around it. Or losing my husband, or child.

    My heart aches thinking about if anything happened to me. Not for myself, but for the people I care about, and what that would mean for them.

    I find anytime I feel suffocated with these thoughts and overwhelmed I just have to take a deep breath and give it to God. Trust in Him and let that be that. For being the analytical, mind-never-shuts-off kind of person that I am, it's hard to believe that I can do such a thing... But it's the only thing I know how to do when that happens.

  22. Katie - You are definitely not alone. Not at all. So many people fear death. I have never lost a parent, so I cannot relate to that. But I have lost loved ones. I have been through the deaths of three of my four grandparents. A good friend of mine that I worked with in college was murdered. And right now, my dad is battling lung cancer. It brings me to tears typing this, because I also fear death. I can't even bear the thought of losing my dad. And I do the same thing to my husband. One time, I asked him to go get something from the grocery store for me and I was in the back of the house and he left without saying anything. When he got home I freaked out crying because I never want him (or myself) to leave without telling the other 'I love you'.

    Hang in there. You're not alone.

  23. Katie, I love your honesty. Posts like this are what make blogging so real. These stories break my heart. Not only because of the loss I'm beginning to grieve at this time (as you know) and I get scared about how it's going to affect me and others in the future, but because you're right... we never really know what's going on behind the scenes. I can't imagine what Taylor and Russell's family are going through at this time.

    My mom lost her mother when she was 13 years old and I still see how deeply it has impacted her soul. I'm sure she would be able to relate with you and how you feel. You are so strong and I look up to you so much!

    I can't get through a day without crying about what I'm dealing with right now. It was one of my biggest fears and now I'm staring it straight in the face. Other than this, death is my biggest fear. I am terrified of losing my parents and family. Life is so very fragile and this post is a true reminder of that.

  24. I agree. I couldn't believe when I heard the news! Thanks for keeping it real girl!

  25. This post was amazing sweet girl. I too fear someone close to me dying. I think about it alllll the time and I always do the same things you do (text me when you get there, etc. etc.) Thank you for this post. I'm glad that I'm not alone in feeling this way. Xoxo.

  26. Great post- when I heard about this my heart broke for the family and everything they must be going through.

  27. It's so great to read such a honest and true post, even if the topic is a little uncomfortable and upsetting. A Housewives fan, myself, I was so shocked and saddened when I heard about Russell. Even though it's a tough subject, I'm glad you wrote about it. Lots of people can relate. One of my biggest fears in life is losing the people that matter most... it's definitely a similar struggle. You just have to appreciate, celebrate, and hold to the good in your life for as long as possible. :) Loved the post.

  28. Kudos to you for writing something real regarding the housewives. I was just thinking about this sort of "the grass is greener on the other side" way of thinking recently myself. Not so much on a celebrity scale. But, I think of how I view other friends in my own personal life who seem to have it all - perfect marriage, financial freedom to live out their dreams, great job, healthy children, all smiles all the time. I realize, when we look deeper, and when are blessed enough to have friends who trust us enough to share their lives with us, we all have our cross to bear. No one's life is perfect and free of trials and tribulations.

    I really enjoyed reading this post. Great job!

  29. I just joined your blog and really appreciate your honesty in this post. It is often that we go through life being so busy that we forget about the things that truly do matter the most, thanks for that reminder!


  30. I didn't hear this until this morning and couldn't believe it. Feel so sad for Taylor and Kennedy :( I too share the same fear as you... me dying, my loved ones, Chris, ESPECIALLY Frankie I am such a spas... "don't leave the door open, make sure he doesnt get out, put a leash on him" blah blah I drive Chris crazy I am sure lol but it is a tough fear to deal with that is for sure. I'll say a special prayer for you tonight! In case you've never heard...FEAR is: False Evidence Appearing Real! The first letters spell fear. So think of that and maybe that will ease your mind some! It helps me ;)Usually what we fear is something false we just think is real in our minds! XOXO

  31. Oh Katie girl. You aren't alone. We've talked extensively via email about losing our moms.

    You aren't the only one...I say the same things to Mister Wonderful about Please do this..Be careful doing that..etc etc. THankfully, like your hubby, he also gets it, and also knows everytime I tell him I love him, it's very deep and heartfelt, not just repetitive and say it just to say it. :)

  32. Thanks for posting this. Nobody in this world has a perfect life. I struggle a lot! My mom has had health problems for 4 years now and I fear that one day I may lose her and she won't get to see her children and grandchildren grow up. But then I realize women, such as yourself, have lost their mothers and though it is by no means easy, you're a stronger and more empathetic person for it. It makes you who you are and you're able to touch others' lives by living through such a tragic event. All we can do is pray and leave the rest up to God and have faith that he will take care of us til the end ;)

  33. Awww...what a lovely post! I was sad to hear of Russell's passing too. My heart broke for their little girl who will have to grow up not knowing her father.

    I think we all have fears - and I think facing them and talking about them definitely helps. :)


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